K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
