can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
