You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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