What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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