Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
