I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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