True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
