i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
