I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
