theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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