I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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