probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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