she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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