I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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