while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
