I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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