Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
