The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
