He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
