really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just made my gag reflex go away.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
