Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
