john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
