I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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