First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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