At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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