did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
