I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
