Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
