Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
