tell your sister to shave her snatch
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
