I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
