I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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