Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
