yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
