i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
