***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
