if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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