Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
