You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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