she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
