when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
