Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
