I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
