3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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