Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
