Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
