Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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