Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
