why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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