It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
