Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
